It's been almost 6 months since I wrote anything here, thanks to my short-term memory and other issues. Previously, I used the free internet provided from the hotel where I stayed for one and half weeks. However, when I moved to my current place, I didn't have any connection until December. Thanks to that and other stressful issues regarding work, I forgot about this until today, when I am feeling blue again. Well, better late than never.
So, I took an online personality test a month ago just because I was not satisfied with the most common personality typing, the four temperaments, that divided people into only 4 categories. As someone who have a complicated way of thinking and feeling, I honestly thought four types were not specific enough for my liking as I struggled to find a way to actually define myself; a model that can describe something a complex and fluid substance that is human personality. People around me never understood how my thinking process worked, or cared enough to actually understand.
Then, I came across this test that's based on Myers-Briggs personality classification, and I took it not once, not twice, but thrice. I got INFJ twice and INTJ once, by the way. For those of you who never heard of Myers-Briggs personality classification, a short way to describe it is that it is a convenient way to describe the order of each person’s Jungian preferences based on Carl Jung's theory of psychology types based on 4 acronym: Introversion (I) or Extraversion (E), Intuition (N) or Sensing (S), Thinking (T) or Feeling (F), Judging (J) or Perceiving (P). The first one determines how someone get their energy (Introvert or Extravert), the second one describes the dominant perceiving function (intuition or sensing), the third one analyzes the main judging function (thinking or feeling), and the last one determines which of the function is more dominant, judging or perceiving. It is very complicated, and I don't understand it fully yet, so I won't dwell any deeper.
Anyways, based on the test, I'm an advocate. The tagline for advocate type is "quiet and mystical, yet inspiring and tiring idealist." I really thought that it was something that described me, and I stand corrected even after I compared other personalities' taglines. Here's an excerpt from the definition:
"INFJs indeed share a very unique combination of traits: though
soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly
for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but
will rarely use that energy for personal gain – INFJs will act with
creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create
advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very
attractive ideas to INFJs, and they tend to believe that nothing would
help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts
of tyrants. INFJs find it easy to make connections with others, and have a talent
for warm, sensitive language, speaking in human terms, rather than with
pure logic and fact. It makes sense that their friends and colleagues
will come to think of them as quiet Extroverted types, but they would
all do well to remember that INFJs need time alone to decompress and
recharge, and to not become too alarmed when they suddenly withdraw.
INFJs take great care of other’s feelings, and they expect the favor to
be returned – sometimes that means giving them the space they need for a
few days."
Except for the quiet extroverted part, I agreed with this statement. I had this weird thinking that I need to find balance in my life. I had to see things in all directions. I prefer quiet, deeper talks with a friend rather than being loud with a bunch of people. I try to mind others' feelings much more than mine, and I like to help because people need my help, not because I just want to be seen by people.
I'm also sensitive with a volatile emotion, and although it is hard for me to be motivated, I will be extremely determined, able to follow through on ideas with conviction and willpower once I can get my mind on it.
It is also said that INFJ is the rarest of all types, which might explains why I felt so happy when I can find something that affirms on how I think, something that helps me understand how my complex mind works. There are lots of posts from fellow INFJ who had similar feelings and emotionally understanding too. Apparently, most of us also have something that I always struggle to make people understand as well: a complex and indecisive view in relationship and decision-making
When it comes to relationships, I think that I may become unsure
about things due to my sensitive and analyzing nature. I will weigh in all the possibilities, which makes it hard for me to choose because I can see all of the good and bad aspects on it. Also, when it is time for me to speak, I sound disorganized or awkward informally because I already know that we have to explain each different piece of information
before the person can understand my points, because the way I choose my decision is so complex that a simple sentence will not do it justice.
Now that I have an overview on how this weird mind of mine works, I realized that my current job is not for me. I am working in a marketing department with a workplace that requires everything needs to be decisive, quick, and based on ambiguous field findings and not quantitative data, so I'm feeling lost. I cannot take decisions quickly. I love data, and not field findings. I am marketing something that many people actually dislike due to health reasons. Basically, everything about this job screams "not for Zanthzorn who is quiet, introverted, data-cruncher that likes balance, goodwill and karma. How can I sell something that's not good for people? However, I have to stick because I have determined that I want to learn how this company do things so that I can use my knowledge in something better. Sometimes I forgot about this due to stressful feeling that I have to defy myself. Yes, I need to be more decisive and extraverted to balance myself, but it is too much sometimes.
So, here I am again, flowing my thoughts into this post. I hope that by doing this, I won't be able to forget who I am, and why I am here. I am an advocate that is learning how things work so that I can use it for a greater good later on. And I hope people can understand this, and give me some kind of motivation for me to keep on going.
Zanthzorn out.
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